Wednesday, December 4, 2013


Just now, someone suggested that I might have bipolar disorder. And when I was thinking of what I should write tonight, I started to realize that that fact may be true. I've admitted so many times that I don't understand myself. And till now, I don't really know what's my goal or even who's the real me behind this name?

There's a long list of things I did that contradict to the person I want to be. Or maybe The person I thought I would. Some of them are jut little little things that doesn't affect my life much. But couple of them really need anew me in order to get rid of them.

The number one thing is something that make me regret for my whole life I think. And a new me from inside should settle that. I don't think its difficult but still, I hope everything will go just fine.

The second one is also some silly stuff. But it had been lingering around me for more than half a decade. So I started this programme called "HEALING" to myself. In one year, I should manage t get rid of everything in shaa Allah :) Down here, my countdown :)

Goodbye memories, goodbye lust. 

Someone or maybe everyone should pray for my success in this war against me. And tell me I can :) 

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

To Change

It is easier said than done. To change means to sacrifice the things that has been a part of your life for so long. To leave your habit that add the spice to your monotonous life. To stay away from your friends and fun that usually cheer up your weekends. But you have to. Even if you’re wearing a cloth with some stain on it, your mum and even you yourself want it to be changed. Then what if we’ve committed too much sins, and our wrongdoings are piling up, covering our good deeds? Change.
To change is not about doing big things abruptly. It is not about all or none thingy, where you have to change every single thing in your life all at once or you don’t have to change at all. Take one step at a time. Or  you couldn’t afford it. Yes, some may but believe me, most couldn’t. In life, we don’t see a little kid is born and suddenly can talk. Yes, in some cases but how rare does this happen and in what purpose does Allah let this happening? The talking kids are big names in Islam, that convey the truth with the permission of Allah Almighty. But we’re ordinary people. We want to change and straighten our path towards the ridha of Allah. We want to leave our way of life that had bring us far far away from Allah. That’s why we want to change.
We’re not talking about waking up in the middle of the night, performing 8 rakaat of prayer or spending half of our salary every month for charity, suddenly. Yes, we may not that but I’m afraid that if its too sudden, it’ll be hard to stay istiqamah. Change the small things first. Our niat on doing every single thing, have we specify it just for Allah? The things about Islam that we’ve learned in primary scohol, have we practiced them all? Have we recited basmalah in every single deed? Have we entered the toilet by our left foot? Have we practiced reciting the prayer of entering and leaving the toilet, sleeping and waking up, leaving and entering home and other prayers that we’ve learned since we were kids? Have we?
Yes, we can do big things straight away but remember, the small things can lead to big effects. If we start to do the small small things in life, we’ll appreciate the big things even more. We’re doing small things that remind us of Allah in every deed. Then it’ll give us strength to do the big things. Because small things taught us to believe, remember and be loyal to Allah at all times. In Shaa Allah.
Finally, lets change to be a better muslim. Change positively, and the most important is istiqamah.
p/s this is the expression of my thoughts, may be wrong but lets just take the good thing and live a good islamic way of life :D

Someone please tell me, I can change myself positively, lillah.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Welcome to the big big world :D

Ahah, there's nothing much to talk about.
June reminds me of something big that happened in my life.
In fact the biggest thing that changed my whole route of my monotonous life.
What is it?
Let me keep it as a secret :D
It may be very shameful to share about it here though~

Lately, I've got this very big problem.
Every single time I tried to pull myself away from that thing, I just couldn't help it.
Yeah, I feel like the biggest sinner in the world for this.
Alhamdulillah, now I feel better as I manage to get my sense of consideration back, to think of every single stuff as a serious business.
Life is not a joke, guys.
If you do something wrong, you may seek for forgiveness, or repentance but that thing will always haunt you.

Maybe I've neglected some important aspects and thus, I felt like a NOT ME.
Hahah, what's that?
Whatever lah kan.
Lets be the real me.
The one that when she smiles, she meant it. The one that when she talk, she thinks of it.
And the most crucial part is, a daughter that her parents can be proud of, her family can be relied on and her friends can be trusted on.

Additional to all these things, I just can't help myself from thinking that I may not be on the right path; the oath that I really want to follow. Someone please tell me, this is the best path for me and I have to endure all the challenges that come as they are all tests from Allah S.W.T :D

Friday, April 26, 2013

A simple reminder for me and maybe a pre submission of reflective writing :D

Well, I can hardly believe that I'm at the ninth week of semester IMU MBBS.
And this week is the best part of the whole semester's programme.
Ok, let me tell you briefly about what we had on this nursing week.
Later in a physician's career, he/she have to deal with so many cases.
And to successfully deliver a proper healthcare to a particular patient, a doctor have to cooperate with the nurses and other healthcare members.
So, that's what we did.
Learning how nurses do their job.
The only experience on that because after this, what we have to do is LEARNING THE DOCTOR'S JOB.
We were sent to Hospital Tunku Jaafar, Seremban for that particular programme.
I knew that the hospital will be havoc and busy but I never thought that it would be that busy. And stressful.
I was placed at the male surgical ward.
I learned how to feed patients using RT, practicing my bp taking skill, and a little bit on behavioral science or ethics maybe.
Hahah, and we were scolded.
Yeah, people will never expect that we are the FIRST YEAR MEDICAL STUDENT. And we know almost nothing about how to play your our in the ward.
Or maybe we should introduce ourselves as FIRST SEMESTER MEDICAL STUDENT.
Or just be really truly honest that we have entered the course for about 9 weeks and that's it.
Yeah, everybody's too busy to ask and even think of that.
How can the not-so-knowledgeable people come into the ward and introducing themselves as medical students?
But I'll take it as a lesson.
And that's the nature of human being.
Learning from mistakes.
And to build more a doctorish identity in myself.
Yeah, I should.
And sorry for everyone-doctors, patients, nurses.
Because we didn't give much help :D
But believe me, we'll improve. In Shaa Allah.

Someone please tell me that I will be a good doctor on the straight path and with the only  intention, purely to seek Allah's approval.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Big girl don't cry :D

Alhamdulillah, almost two months being a university student.
How do I feel?
I feel like I'm taking the wrong decision. And why is that happen?
The life doesn't come like what I want it to.
And there's something that I keep very deep inside my heart.
One thing that sometimes make me feel that I'm the worst person on earth.
Am I?
Yeah, Allah grant our prays based on what we need instead of what we really want.
And this evil inside me, how can I kill it?
Because I can't, then I should fight.
Someone please tell me, I can go through all this. Please :D

Monday, April 1, 2013

Follow your light :D

A month plus, being a uni student.
Everything seems to be okay.
No more dilemma, as I can take everything as a challenge.
It feels different.
To be a grown up girl.
I suddenly remember about all those immature things I've done.
One sided love, silly prank and all those crap.
Nothing much to say, but follow your light, guys |as taken from The Croods| :D
Please tell the world, I'm fine.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

DAY 3: Getting Better In What Way?

Today is extremely tiring.
With all of those social explicit contents, I think I'm immune to them.
Getting better in adapting myself but I am sure I won't do that.

Someone please tell me, I will be strong enough to resist all the attempts that try to make my heart dark.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

DAY 2: To Do Or Not To Do

We came quite late in the morning lecture.
But the lecture session goes well until the next lecture which happened to be the prank from our seniors.
That was fun. |Its more than fun|
The next part is meeting with seniors.
This is where the credibility of me, as a Muslim, was a bit distracted.
The openness was not in the way that we, Muslims used to learn and practice.
Its an absolute openness in the conversation relating to sex and pornography.
I'm a Muslim.
Its okay.
The believes and social background are different.
In Shaa Allah, everything will be fine

Someone please tell me, just take the difference as the way for you to strengthen your believe and improve yourself to be a better person in interacting with others.

A Big Step For A Big Dream To Actually Happen


HeHo :D
Sharing the feelings when I am now officially a medical student (Alhamdulillah)~

Nothing To Expect
To tell everyone the truth, I am the first one in my family who's accepted to enter a medical school.
Obviously, they are all not interested in such career and way of life.
Thus, I got no tales, fictions nor myths about medical school from firsthand experience.
I don't really know what's going on and what will happen in the future.
Please someone tell me, "Its okay, this is only your first day".

Where's My Confidence?
I've left the routine of studying for so long. More than two months and all my skills of studying just somehow vanished.
And as everyone will expect that medical student should spend more and most time on studying, I don't have the confidence to do so.
Am I good enough for this?
Is this the right choice I've made?
Please someone tell me, "Don't worry. You're not used to the surrounding yet. Later you'll find yourself comfortable with this".

And Where's My Friendly Lalalala Attitude?
I'm nervous. I'm curious.
I couldn't drag my mouth to start a conversation with others.
No, not on the first day.
I am a good chatter and why is that in all of sudden I became a silent little coward?
Please someone tell me, "Cheer up. Everyone feels the same. Its a very new environment. Get your act straight and you'll be fine".

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Akhir Sebuah Cerita

Lamanya tak update blog ni..
Bukan setakat bersawang, tapi lebih tepat lagi dah reput dimakan anai2.. Hahah..
So memang banyak janji yang tak ditepati..
Cerita aidilfitri pun masih tergantung tanpa penghujung..
Tapi biarlah ia berakhir sendiri.. Sob3.. Hahah..
So, why is it AKHIR SEBUAH CERITA???
Well, mungkin berkaitan dengan fasa hidup baru sekarang..
Dan pengakhiran fasa hidup sebelumnya..
Ketepikan tu dulu..
Jadi sebelum ini dunia digemparkan dengan ramalan puak Mayan tentang tarikh pengakhiran episod penghidupan manusia di muka bumi..
Dan sesungguhnya kiamat itu adalah rahsia Allah S.W.T. dan tidak dapat diramal oleh sesiapapun..
Apa yang penting, janji Allah itu pasti dan sebagai hamba, manusia sepatutunya sentiasa bersedia untuk bekalan hari akhirat..
Maka, ramalan itu salah sama sekali dan bumi ini masih belum berakhir kisahnya..
Entahkan esok, entahkan lusa ataupun sebaik post ini dipublish, nobody knows.
Ok, back to the chirp chirp..
Akhir sebuah cerita was one of my luahan hati waktu my 18th birthday..
At that time I was very determined to leave every single unwanted feelings I ever had..
Tapi seriously, it was hard..
Did I said that its hard??? Yeah, but its not impossible..
Finally here in 2013, I manage to create the ending..
Not a happy ending nor a sad ending..
It was a silent ending..
Every hatred, obsession and likey2 stuff, I left them in 2012 time capsule..
I guess it wasn't so hard since its the 15th day of 2013 and I still stand here, safe and soundly..
#I actually got nothing to say.. Really ah :D
Good luck with 2013..